And I'm so happy when it begins.
But as the season goes on, I start getting depressed, like really depressed. Not to a point where I'd hurt myself, been there, done that, never going back, but I feel really trapped.
It happens every single year, I think I'll be fine but it sneaks up on me and before I know it, I'm just so sad, all the time.
It seems like everything that I've worried about individually, becomes one big worry that I can't stop thinking of.
The biggest worry this year has been, what are you going to do with your life?
What are you going to do with your life...
What are you going to do with your life...??
Every person on the planet is asking me this question and I feel stupid because I don't know. I've been considering not going to college, and I don't dare tell anyone because I would imagine judgment, I already do and I haven't even told anyone! But I feel certain people can sense it, from the way I shy away from college talk.
Depression stinks because every little thing gets to you, even things you wouldn't think twice about.
Like the fact that I am 18 years old and I just opened a checking account at the bank, and the fact that I completely blanked on my social security number when opening the account. That shouldn't bother me, but it does for some reason.
During the middle of winter, I crave to travel.
Right now I want more than anything to go to disney world, by myself. Not with friends or family, just by myself, but I'm too much of a chicken to go by myself. And I don't have enough money.
I feel really lonely, in the sense if a significant other. I feel extremely lonely in that area of my life, but then I dislike myself for not being able to let God be that for me, I know He's trying. I also dislike myself for not enjoying my life as a single, young person.
I had to miss a retreat for the college students at my church because I had already asked for a week and a half off from work, I can hear my dad saying... If you really wanted to go, you could have made it happen. Yes i could have, I was basically an extra person at work that week, a couple extra days wouldn't have made too much of a difference. It's over now, and there's nothing I can do about it. I really needed it too, although they did go skiing for a good chunk of the trip and me+skiing= not good. For the most part I love skiing, but I swear I was born cold-blooded, I would freeze within the first 15 minutes. I am not exaggerating, the last time I went skiing, the front halves of my feet were completely numb, not fun.
I know this is a kind of really sad post, but the upside is that I am going to not one but TWO concerts within the next couple months! I NEVER go to concerts and I love them! So I'm really excited that I get to be away from life, even if its for a few hours.
Another thing I'm happy about is that I really like my job, if I didn't like my job, who knows what I would be feeling right now.
There is a silver lining, and it is called "springtime". Just kidding, it's really called "I need to figure out what God wants me to do, and do it, and look to Him when I'm lonely" hehe it's really late...
This secret from postsecret.com inspired this post, because its partly what I am feeling right now
